Once more with feeling…

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

It was late afternoon, sometime close to 5:00. I was sitting at my desk at work, talking on my phone to Bob. The Absent Minded CFO™ ducked into my cube and asked me to “stop by” his office after I was done on the phone.

This meant one of three things:

1.) It was time for a “4:30 Mark Project”…some “ZOMG!URGENT” bullshit work that should have been done a week ago, but Mark put it off and now had his ass in a sling and needed one of his minions to bail him out of said sling and I was the only one in the department who wasn’t still inundated with audit season.

2.) It was time for one of our “status update” meetings we’d been having since I got back from my forced leave of absence in December wherein he berated me about my work performance and alluded to my mental health problems being fake.

or 3.) I was getting fired. Because I had been literally threatened with this at the very least once a week since I’d been back from my forced leave of absence in December.

I sat down in Mark’s office and as soon as he opened his mouth, I KNEW we had just opened door number three. He danced around the issue for as long as he could before finally getting to the point and then told me it was the end of the line.

Then he looked me square in the face and uttered seven words that I will never, ever forget:

“You’re not enthusiastic enough to be here.”

I was, at that point in time, bawling my head off. So I was in no condition to respond. What I was picturing in my mind, was launching myself over the desk and giving the fucking douche bag a tracheotomy with the ink pen in his hand.

Because one of the worst things you can say to someone who suffers from depression? Is exactly what he had just said to me.

My sincerest hope, Mr. Mark Jensen, is the next time you have an employee with a mental illness—and there WILL BE A NEXT TIME—that you choose your words more carefully when you fire them for having that mental illness. Because they might not have the support system I had when I got fired. And they might actually tip the other way when bordering on the edge of suicidal after being treated the way I was treated at your company. And I would hate for you to have to live with that on your conscience for the rest of your life.

Three years ago today I was fired from Pass The Buck Management™ for my mental illness.

It was one of the best and worst days of my life.

I am so much happier and healthier being away from that job and its incredibly toxic environment. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t bitter about the way it all ended.

My work performance was suffering and I was making mistakes. But I asked for help COUNTLESS TIMES and I was ignored and told to fend for myself.

MY OWN SISTER WALKED AWAY FROM ME.

Someday I hope I can forgive her for that.

I’m still healing from the damage done by that Toxic Shit Hole.

It’s all a part of the process.

Something to say?