I have not seen a mental health professional since mid to late 2010. That was the last time I played the “Let’s Try This One Next” game on ADHD meds. When that prescription failed, as they all failed, I decided I’d stick things out until I needed to go back when my other prescriptions ran out.
I managed to drag those remaining refills out a lot longer than I should have without doctor supervision and essentially weened myself off all my medications.
I’ve been off my meds since we moved into our house.
I was okay for a while after that. And when I finally got back to my regular doctor for an overdue physical, we came to the conclusion that I was doing okay without the medication.
Truth is, I don’t really know if I’m “okay” or not.
And I suppose if I have any doubt, it means I’m not.
It’s been going on for some time now. Bob and I have talked about it quite a bit. I’ve been waffling about going back to see a mental health doctor for MONTHS.
My original psychiatrist left Park Nicollet in 2009 when PNC, in their INFINITE WISDOM, decided it was a BRILLIANT idea to consolidate their entire mental health department into one location, eliminating a lot of doctors and driving even more to leave PNC of their own volition. I moved with my doctor to her new private practice, but my insurance would not cover it.
Not really a difference though, because my insurance doesn’t actually cover anything anyway.
But ANYWAY.
I decided, when I decided that I need to go back, that I’ll go back to Park Nicollet and find a new doctor. Because my insurance will pretend to cover a PNC doctor.
I haven’t made an appointment because picking up the phone is one of the most stressful things in the world for me. It induces panic like few other things do.
I don’t know why.
And I hate it.
I suppose there’s some sort of irony in that my anxiety problem prevents me from picking up the phone to make an appointment to address my anxiety problem. Once the appointment is made, I have no trouble going. But making that appointment by phone?
Fucking nightmare.
So I need to get back to the doctor for my annual physical again. I had to pick up the phone to make that appointment. I decided do or die, while I was making that appointment, I was going to make an appointment with a new psychiatrist. Get all the panic attacks over in one shot.
I called my regular clinic and made my physical appointment.
Then I called PNC mental health. And was transferred to intake because it’s been three years and I no longer have an established doctor.
“We book 2 months out and all of our appointments with our doctors are filled by noon on Mondays. Call back next Monday RIGHT AT 8:30AM to make an appointment for the week of FEBRUARY 11TH TO THE 15TH.”
Are you.
Fucking.
Kidding me.
HEAD.
DESK.
So I don’t have an appointment.
I finally got past the panic attack long enough to make the fucking phone call and I couldn’t even get an appointment.
Not to mention that my heart rate was literally pounding at 108bpm as I was dialing the phone.
I’m trying to get a list of approved mental health providers OTHER THAN Park Nicollet to see what my options are.
I’ll probably force myself to call back next Monday and see what I can get.
And then I’ll consult my family practice doctor when I see him on the 17th of THIS MONTH whether or not he believes I should try to see someone sooner because he’s the one I started this whole roller coaster with in the first place.
I’ve put it off for well over a year, what’s two more months?
But that’s not really the point is it?
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Just my head exploding, no big deal |