Nonsequitur Life

My first neurologist appointment was nothing like I expected.

I fully expected to go in, explain the phantom smoke stench, and have her stare at me like I’m insane. Then tell me since the MRI and EEG found nothing, there is nothing to be found.

Neither nurse nor doctor stared at me like I was out of my mind when I told them I smell cigarette smoke that isn’t there. That’s the kind of thing they hear all the time. They didn’t try to explain it away by telling me obviously real smoke is coming from somewhere like everybody else does. Nor did they try to tell me I’m manifesting it myself because I’m repressing some memory or holding some grudge from my childhood. (*ahem* Dr. Psych Condescending Ass)

It’s not WEIRD to the neurology department.

Dr. Brain asked me questions, took notes, and ran through a series of pseudo-tests…follow my finger, touch your nose, walk on your toes, close your eyes and hold your arms out…she also checked reflexes, used something similar to a tuning fork on my feet to feel the vibration, and poked me in several places with a pin…and…other things that escape me right now.

She did tell me there was nothing found on the MRI and EEG.

Then she told me she wanted to do an ambulatory EEG.

The label 72-hour EEG is misleading.

72 hours is three days. This test takes five.

That’s 120 hours.

But you’re actually wired up for four total days, which would be 96 hours.

But 72 hours it is.

In pictures.

Because coherency is in limited supply.

It’s a whole lot of (awful, awful) smelly glue to attach 27 wires—25 on your head, 2 on your chest.

I wore tank tops and a lightweight hoodie all week. And a hat to cover the wires when I left the house.

Broadcasting my Rooster Teeth and Ryan Star love all over the damn place.

Soon enough EVERYTHING ITCHES and sponge bathing is NOT bathing.

Also it was Hell Week so that made it all SO MUCH MORE FUN.

But at least the wires are colorful?

I had to push the button whenever I had “an event.” In most cases that would be a seizure. In my case it was whenever I smelled the gaddamn phantom cigarette smoke.

I smelled it (for hours) on Tuesday night and again on Wednesday afternoon.

I have never been so bloody excited to smell that shit in the entire five years I’ve been [knowingly] smelling it.

Considering I was willing to bet cash money I wouldn’t smell it at all the entire time I was wired up, I was okay with smelling smoke twice in five days.

Sheep was eagerly awaiting the opportunity to push the red button because the “head box” was taking up his spot in the bed.

Each appointment was at the same time every day. I was wired up on Monday. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday I had to go in, have the data downloaded, the batteries in my “head box” swapped out, connections checked (and re-glued in a few places halfway through), leeds refilled with fresh conductive gel, and given a sheet to record my activities for the day, including when I “had an event.”

Nothing reiterates just how little you do in a day quite like having to write down what it is you do all day.

By day three the receptionists didn’t even need to ask my name to check me in and by day five they spotted me coming out of the elevator.

Also, on Day 5, you get free parking.

Application took about 2 hours. Removal took about 30 minutes. They soak each leed with acetone (yes, nail polish remover) and do several swipes to saturate all of the clumps of glue. The spots where leeds were glued directly to skin were rough and red (because I have FANTASTIC SKIN) and the chest leeds left plenty of goo behind (and red, angry skin).

The tech gave me a small, fine-toothed comb to use when I finally washed my hair. I didn’t waste any time getting in the shower when I got home. I’d been sponge bathing for four days. It looked like I was covered in flakey dandruff and when I took the braids out, my hair looked like a bad crimp job. I shampooed twice and followed by two rounds of conditioner. I ran the comb (Sloooooowly) through my hair when it was full of conditioner and pulled out plenty of chunks of glue and a fuckton of hair. I lose a lot of hair on a daily basis as it is. It had been braided and glued in place for five days. I lost a rodent-of-unusual-size worth of hair in one shot. I thought I was going to have bald spots. And that’s just what I was able to collect. I can’t even imagine how much more ended up down the drain.

ISH.

Anyway.

I survived not showering for a week but I’m not in any hurry to do it again.

And while I’m not holding my breath that this test is actually going to find anything, I hope it will tell me SOMETHING.

In addition to 2 smoke episodes, I had an un-killable headache for most of the week and I woke up constantly every night. (Just like every night.)* I also got horribly nauseous and dizzy playing Minecraft for 30 minutes.

SOMETHING should show up SOMEWHERE…

Right?

If it doesn’t…

I don’t even know what the next step would be.

*EEGs are ineffective for diagnosing headache disorders because they don’t read deep enough, but they are used to figure out sleep disorders—which I would not be the least bit surprised to find out I have some form of.

—

Peace O.A.R.