If we’re being perfectly honest, I’ve been a colossal train wreck lately.
No, no—more than usual.
I’ve been struggling with some bad anxiety, which drives the depression to serious lows, which fuels the anxiety, which drives the depression, which…you get it.
There are things that are easy to identify in terms of what’s causing the issues, but they are not the only things. And while Generalized Anxiety Disorder is a pretty safe assumption when I can’t explain why I feel the way I do, I know in my gut that there is more to it.
I’ve been dealing with this shit for over thirty years at this point.
I know when there’s more to it.
I just don’t always know what that more might be.
I don’t know where exactly my thought process was going—I get lost so easily in there—but a combination of things tipped me off today.
Our last electric bill was ridiculous. Which means we’ve been running the A/C constantly. Which means the weather has been constant misery. We live in a townhouse surrounded by neighbors on three sides. This works to our advantage with heat in the winter, but in the summer, not so much. We only have three windows that open and they’re all west-facing. This is a miserable position in the summer. When temperatures reach 80 and humidity gets above 50%, there’s no being comfortable in this place. So air conditioning 24/7 it is.
We usually get a nice summer cold-snap with temperatures in the high sixties or low seventies with low humidity (open windows! hoodies!). It’ll last a few days and give some much needed reprieve. But we’re approaching the middle of August and we haven’t had that yet. The weather has been consistently above eighty. The humidity has been consistently above 50%. It’s forecasted to stay that way for at least another two weeks.
Looking at the weather report causes me irrational levels of irritation over the numbers and I just want to start breaking shit.
Or just start crying.
I usually just start crying.
I wish I was kidding.
I’ve written about this before. If I’m at all prone to Seasonal Affective Disorder, it’s not in the winter, it’s in the summer. And while the thought hadn’t crossed my mind for awhile, I had a light bulb moment today when I realized that SAD is likely a significant contributing factor to my colossal train wreck status as of late.
Especially when I read the line The condition in summer can include heightened anxiety.
It doesn’t provide an explanation for everything going on with my mental health as of late.
But it does explain A LOT.
And while I don’t have a lot of effective solutions for dealing with it right now, just knowing what it is helps immensely.
We’ve made it to August. We’re approaching mid-month. Soon it will be September. Soon the temperatures will drop. Soon the windows will be open. Soon nature will die and so will the allergies. Soon it will be winter and we’ll have a whole new whine-fest on our hands.
September is 23 days away.
I’m looking forward to it for more than just the weather…
In the meantime, I’ll muddle my way through somehow.
I will survive.
I always do.