Standing right here…

I currently have twenty-six posts sitting in drafts.

There are a few that are mostly finished, but I have no intention of posting. Things I’ve written that I thought I wanted to dump into the ether, but once it was on the page I no longer felt compelled to press publish. I keep them because it felt better getting it out of my head. It’s the closest thing I have to a private journal these days.

Other posts are disjointed ramblings that happen at all hours of the night*, that don’t sound quite right so they sit until I figure out how to fix them, use pieces in other posts, or delete them completely.

 

Writing feels impossible lately.

 

I post inane shit on Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat to entertain myself, but nothing that actually means anything.

I stare at blinking cursors on blank pages, willing words to come out, but it just doesn’t happen.

My head is not in a good place right now.

A large part of that is the never-ending shit storm in the news—fires, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, mass shootings, a pile of rotting human excrement masquerading as president determined to destroy people’s lives. I try to limit my news intake for the sake of my sanity, but it’s incredibly difficult to do no matter where you go. It’s everywhere.

These big things I have zero control over drive me to hyper-focus on all the little things happening in my immediate vicinity. Those little things pile up to bigger things and it feels paralyzing and suffocating. Things that should just roll off become impossible to deal with, and I feel absolutely insane because I KNOW how insignificant it all is, but in the moment it feels like the world is caving in.

We’ve been having problems with mice. We’ve caught two, but I’m not convinced that’s the end of it, and I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED of cleaning mouse shit out of my kitchen cupboards.

I had a minor infection up my nose at incision site. It cleared itself up by the time I got into the doctor, but it was a panic-inducing few days. And while the surgeon said everything was a-okay, I still have this paranoia that the lingering soreness in my nose is brewing another infection.

Totaling up all my surgery related bills has come to $6,000 even. It actually cost way more than that, but I hit my deductible. We’re fortunate the expense won’t break us, but it’s still painful.

Writing is not happening lately and it’s really killing my mental state. (In addition to the previously mentioned JFC THE WORLD SUCKS.)

The high 80’s temperatures in the middle of September are really intensifying the Summertime SAD. We had a few days of 60’s and hoodie weather. It’s forecasted to return. But it can’t get here soon enough.

 

GOOD THINGS

Bob bought me a new set of pans. Our existing ones were a wedding gift and we’ve only been using them since we moved into our house, but the finish is wearing badly and some of them are warping. The new ones are heavier construction and [reportedly] better quality.

We have a four-day weekend coming up. Bob had some vacation time to use and our anniversary is next week. We’ll be lounging around the house doing what we do best…nothing.

I got a new computer mouse and it has fancy lights that cycle through a rainbow of colors. Rainbows make everything better.

Bob bought me new Chucks for my surgery. They’re bright blue and technically part of the Converse Pride Collection, so they have rainbow soles and laces. (Rainbows make everything better.) It wasn’t so much a gift for having surgery, but surviving the multitude of panic attacks brought on by scheduling/planning/et al. said surgery. See also: I am incredibly spoiled.

I CAN BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE.

 

It’s incredibly telling—and sad—that they automatically send a financial assistance application with the bill.

 

* Trust me, they’re different from the disjointed ramblings that happen at all hours of the night that actually get posted.

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