Caught in a one-way street…

I didn’t make a single post in the month of May and we’re already approaching the end of June.

Generally in the long stretches between posts, I start, revisit, abandon, and/or delete half a dozen drafts trying to come up with something to write that doesn’t make me want to bang my head against the wall.

This time around…

I don’t think I even really opened WordPress.

I’ve barely been writing anything.

I started this post over a week ago and this is as far as I’ve gotten.

I’m stuck in this weird paralysis with writing as of late. I can’t quite pinpoint what’s causing it, other than a complete lack of inspiration. (Okay, that and the horrifying state of the world. URGH.) I spend a large portion of every day staring at a blinking cursor in Word, but very few words end up on the page. And what I have written is just garbage. FNEH.

 

Listing…

1.) My nose surgery is scheduled for July 10th. I don’t have a time yet, as they don’t give you that information until a couple days before. I have a pre-op appointment on the 3rd and a post-op on the 14th. The anxiety is already high and it will spike exponentially when the time arrives, but it’s scheduled. And I only had one bad panic attack in the process. There’s a part of me that worries that I’m going to go through this and it’s not going to solve anything—as is my track record with just about ANYTHING health related—but I’m trying to remain realistically optimistic that I’ll be able to breathe properly through my nose when all is said and done.

2.) The new Stormblood expansion for Final Fantasy XIV is out. Bob is on vacation this week to play. This is what we do for vacation. We stay home and play video games. We don’t need fancy (stressful, exhausting, expensive) trips. Avoiding people from the comfort of our home for an entire week is our ideal getaway. (Though FFXIV is an MMO so there is actually interaction with real people while playing. They’re just on the other side of the computer screen.) More than anything, I just love having Bob all to myself for a week.

3.) Andy Grammer put out a new song. Ryan Star put out a new song. These things make me happy.

4.) Savage Garden’s I Want You video recently popped up on Youtube recommendations and then I followed the trail and ended up on their Affirmation video and was pummeled by a nostalgia freight train. That was the first concert I saw as an adult and it pretty well cemented my deep-rooted love for live music.

5.) This is a picture of an itty-bitty-teeny-tiny frog. We went to the in-laws for father’s day and there were literally dozens of these tiny little frogs hopping around the yard. So, so TINY. This little guy could sit on my thumbnail with room to spare. He was so tiny he kept stumbling on the rough surface of the patio as he hopped around. I wanted to keep them all.

(Spell check wants to change itty to titty and that amuses me because I am twelve.)

Nine…

Listen.

The whole goddamn world is on fire.

And I don’t want to talk about it.

Today I have squishy feelings because it was nine years ago that I went on a date with a boy I met on the internet. We sat in a Caribou halfway between our respective homes and talked for eight hours. The weather was snow-raining and gray and cold, which is exactly what is happening outside my window right now.

Nine years of my life with this guy.

I say it every time, but it feels like yesterday and a lifetime ago.

We don’t actually celebrate our dating anniversary since we got married, but it’s hard not to at least acknowledge it.

I met him at my absolute lowest point.

He saved my life.

There’s no other way to put it.

Here is a picture of Emerson Mouse hanging from my hair.

This is a highly accurate representation of the goofy-ass things my Robert will do to make me laugh on a daily basis. And especially when it feels like the world is caving in on itself.

I love him.

So.

Fucking.

Much.

Are we faking this…

1.) The thing about getting a tetanus shot every ten years…you have plenty of time to forget how much they suck. Over a week later and I still have a nasty bruise and a welt from the shot. But now I don’t need another one until the year 2026. WHAT.

2.) I went in for my annual physical and came out with three more appointments. We got new insurance as of the first of the year, so I guess we’ll find out how well it works. Or doesn’t.

3.) My maternal grandmother had breast cancer in her young 40’s. By current guidelines, close relatives should start getting screened ten years before that age. Which means I get to have mammograms every year from now on. It’s a bizarre thing to have some strange woman yanking on and smashing your boobs in a big machine, but it takes ten minutes and that’s it. Sure it hurts a bit, but hey, early detection and all that, right? (Scans came back fine.)

4.) Bob’s been playing the new XCOM2. He’s been having so much fun playing it, I just want to squeeze the hell out of him for being so gaddamn nerdy and adorable. So I do. Also, he’s been naming his soldiers after my story characters because our marriage is just that nerdy. Ben and Marina are now slaughtering aliens instead of each other.

5.) I’ve managed to trap myself in a constant BUT WHAT IF loop on my latest writing projects. I’m still plugging away on Parker, Alison, and Tyler, but the rest of the Stephen Tyler monstrosity refuses to shut-up and let me work on just one story at a time. SHUT IT, BASIL.

6.) I’ve been tweaking style sheet settings, adjusting sidebar widgets, and reworking some pages—rewriting the about page, et al—and despite the fact that looking at code now makes me want to drive sporks into my eyes, I feel mildly accomplished. I still need to ask Bob to help me somehow get the now playing field back in my metadata with this theme, but I seem to only think about it when he’s not home or in the middle of the night when he’s sleeping, and then…Etch-a-Sketch memory kicks in and…lather, rinse, repeat.

7.) We put plastic over our bedroom window because the damn thing is 79-inches wide and covers most of the wall and is drafty as all get out. Our bedroom is consistently ten degrees colder than the rest of the house and, while I love penguins and polar bears, having my bedroom cold enough to keep them is not my idea of a good time. The temperature is still colder than the rest of the house, but it has made a significant difference.

8.) Putting plastic over the window left us with the dilemma of whether to keep the blinds open or closed—they’d be inaccessible behind the plastic—so we opted to leave them open and hang curtains to block the nighttime show for the neighbors. They’re nothing fancy, but they do a good job at blocking the light and insulating the window, and we’re hoping to also gain some benefit from them come summer when our bedroom is consistently ten degrees HOTTER than the rest of the house. Western exposure for the win. Or something.

9.) We don’t really do Valentine’s Day, but Sunday morning I woke up to critters staring me down, professing their love. Because we are grown-ass adults with no kids and my affinity for stuffed animals provides us with endless hours of entertainment.

A Year in Review…2014…

Welp…

It’s that time again…

2015 is “The Year of the Sheep”…SOMEBODY is very excited.

2011 was “The Year of the House.”

2012 was “The Year of the Denver Road Trip…and Andy Grammer.”

2013 was “The Year of…apparently if it ain’t one thing, it’s another, fucking Christ.

2014 was The Year of the Phantom Smoke Stench Dear GOD MAKE IT STOP…

This year started off terribly and it took a long time to dig out from the aftermath. I definitely wouldn’t have survived any of it without My Bob. It had its good moments—lots of music and lots of writing and lots of Bob Time—but I’m really not sorry to see it go.

1.) Where did you ring in 2014?
At home. Bob was probably playing FFXIV and I was probably listening to Glee music and staring at the internet or a Word document.

2.) What did you do in 2014 that you’d never done before?
Had an MRI and two EEGs.

3.) Did you keep your new year’s resolutions and will you make more for next year?
Nope.

4.) Did anyone close to you become engaged or married?
No reports of rings or weddings this year…that I can remember…

5.) Did anyone close to you become pregnant or give birth?
There were a whole lot of babies. Everywhere. I think I might be the only person who did not get knocked up or give birth this year.

6.) Did anyone close to you die?
My in-laws had to put their dog Moon down. She was an old lady and in a lot of pain so it was time.

7.) How did you earn your keep?
Pseudo housewife.

8.) What countries places did you visit?
At this point, just going to see my family is a rare occasion and big production. So…Burnsville and Prior Lake…?

9.) What would you like to have in 2015 that you lacked in 2014?
A clean house.

10.) What dates from 2014 will remain etched upon your memory and why?
The first week of June was tied up in wires for a 5-day EEG.

11.) What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Walking away from a terrible doctor.

12.) What was your biggest failure?
Accomplishing little around the house.

13.) Did you suffer illness or injury?
It wasn’t quite illness or injury, but I had my brain scanned more than once and it cost a fuckton of money and I still don’t have answers on the Phantom Smoke Stench.

14.) Did you ever encounter the police?
No, but DEAR GOD so many times I wanted to call them on the asshole neighbors who are now…hopefully…GONE.

15.) What was the best thing you bought?
Music. Lots of music.

16.) Where did most of your money go?
Medical bills Fucking Christ.

17.) What did you get really excited about?
Music. Lots of music.

18.) Compared to this time last year, are you…
…happier or sadder? Happier.
…thinner or fatter? About the same.
…richer or poorer? About the same—asinine medical bills not withstanding.

19.) What do you wish you’d done more of?
Cleaning.

20.) What do you wish you’d done less of?
Doctor appointments.

21.) How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve with my family. Christmas Day with Bob’s.

22.) What are your short and long term goals for 2015?
Short Term: Finding a new doctor since mine left and I need refills on important pills.
Long Term: Cleaning and organizing the house.

23.) What was your favorite TV program?
We rewatched Farscape. Ten years since it ended and it’s still fantastic.

24.) What were your favorite books of the year?
I read books but nothing very memorable. Too much first-person-present-tense that makes me want to stab things.

25.) What was your favorite music from this year?
Andy Grammer, Ryan Star, O.A.R., Train, Better Than Ezra…so many new albums

26.) What song will always remind you of 2014?
Favorite Song by O.A.R.

27.) What were your favorite films of the year?
We watched movies but nothing stands out.

28.) What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I turned 35. What. The hell. It was a Wednesday. Bob worked half a day, we ordered pizza, and spent the evening installing the new Dragon Age game.

29.) What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Not encountering Dr. Psych Condescending Ass.

30.) How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2014?
Pajamas all the time. And hoodies. Lots of hoodies.

31.) What kept you sane?
Bob and music.

32.) Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
See #25

33.) Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2014.
Don’t suffer with an insufferable doctor. You are too important to let yourself get shit on by someone who has no interest in helping you.

Maybe I’m just high…

I was looking at spice grinders on Amazon and everything appears to be marketed towards pot smokers.

I just want to get a consistent texture in my Italian seasoning mix not make pot brownies.

Whatever.

In my current—never ending—writing drought, I find myself still fixated mostly on one project. I might not be making progress, but it’s holding my attention. That’s something, I suppose. I’ll eek out a few lines here and there, but not much. And then I find myself spending three pages having a discussion about mint brownies—and now I just managed to connect spice pot grinders to my writing.

What.

Apparently I have a reoccurring theme of mint brownies in my stories. I can name five projects off the top of my head wherein there is an unnecessary amount of focus on them. There’s probably more, I just can’t think of specifics right now.

I guess it shouldn’t be that surprising. Considering how much I repeat myself EVERYWHERE, it should come as no surprise at all that I’d have a recurring food theme too.

Either that or my subconscious is telling me I need to make mint brownies.

In that case, I should probably listen to it.

The Nug just thinks there are not enough subterranean bunny pigs in my stories.

Do what you’re thinking of…

1.) House still smells like bacon. Not quite as strong, but it’s especially noticeable when I open the bathroom door after taking a shower. Right then.

2.) Pumpkin banana bread turned out not bad. It’s a little flimsy and likes to fall apart like it has too much moisture, but not soggy. It’s weird. Needs tweaking.

3.) I woke up at 5-something this morning from a bizarre dream to the sound of the snow plow clearing another four-or-so inches of snow. Goody.

4.) Sheep is just going to stay in bed for the rest of winter. He wants no part of this cold and snow. I don’t blame him.

Planning parties for all the fools…

Century Link is the shittiest internet service of all the shitty internet services.

For the second time in a week they are apparently throttling our internet access for no goddamn reason.

I’m about to start hucking rocks at people.

In other news…

We got a Nug.

He tried to establish dominance over the Tonberry.

It didn’t go over well.

So he forged an alliance with the [fancy] Turret.

These are the things that happen in our house.

Nobody has as much fun as we do.

In related news…

The new Dragon Age game comes out on the 18th.

Color me stupidly excited.

Also.

Nug.

(Leliana gets a nug…)

Squeaky. Squeaky. Squeaky. Squeaky…