Standing right here…

I currently have twenty-six posts sitting in drafts.

There are a few that are mostly finished, but I have no intention of posting. Things I’ve written that I thought I wanted to dump into the ether, but once it was on the page I no longer felt compelled to press publish. I keep them because it felt better getting it out of my head. It’s the closest thing I have to a private journal these days.

Other posts are disjointed ramblings that happen at all hours of the night*, that don’t sound quite right so they sit until I figure out how to fix them, use pieces in other posts, or delete them completely.

 

Writing feels impossible lately.

 

I post inane shit on Twitter/Instagram/Snapchat to entertain myself, but nothing that actually means anything.

I stare at blinking cursors on blank pages, willing words to come out, but it just doesn’t happen.

My head is not in a good place right now.

A large part of that is the never-ending shit storm in the news—fires, floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, mass shootings, a pile of rotting human excrement masquerading as president determined to destroy people’s lives. I try to limit my news intake for the sake of my sanity, but it’s incredibly difficult to do no matter where you go. It’s everywhere.

These big things I have zero control over drive me to hyper-focus on all the little things happening in my immediate vicinity. Those little things pile up to bigger things and it feels paralyzing and suffocating. Things that should just roll off become impossible to deal with, and I feel absolutely insane because I KNOW how insignificant it all is, but in the moment it feels like the world is caving in.

We’ve been having problems with mice. We’ve caught two, but I’m not convinced that’s the end of it, and I am REALLY FUCKING TIRED of cleaning mouse shit out of my kitchen cupboards.

I had a minor infection up my nose at incision site. It cleared itself up by the time I got into the doctor, but it was a panic-inducing few days. And while the surgeon said everything was a-okay, I still have this paranoia that the lingering soreness in my nose is brewing another infection.

Totaling up all my surgery related bills has come to $6,000 even. It actually cost way more than that, but I hit my deductible. We’re fortunate the expense won’t break us, but it’s still painful.

Writing is not happening lately and it’s really killing my mental state. (In addition to the previously mentioned JFC THE WORLD SUCKS.)

The high 80’s temperatures in the middle of September are really intensifying the Summertime SAD. We had a few days of 60’s and hoodie weather. It’s forecasted to return. But it can’t get here soon enough.

 

GOOD THINGS

Bob bought me a new set of pans. Our existing ones were a wedding gift and we’ve only been using them since we moved into our house, but the finish is wearing badly and some of them are warping. The new ones are heavier construction and [reportedly] better quality.

We have a four-day weekend coming up. Bob had some vacation time to use and our anniversary is next week. We’ll be lounging around the house doing what we do best…nothing.

I got a new computer mouse and it has fancy lights that cycle through a rainbow of colors. Rainbows make everything better.

Bob bought me new Chucks for my surgery. They’re bright blue and technically part of the Converse Pride Collection, so they have rainbow soles and laces. (Rainbows make everything better.) It wasn’t so much a gift for having surgery, but surviving the multitude of panic attacks brought on by scheduling/planning/et al. said surgery. See also: I am incredibly spoiled.

I CAN BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE.

 

It’s incredibly telling—and sad—that they automatically send a financial assistance application with the bill.

 

* Trust me, they’re different from the disjointed ramblings that happen at all hours of the night that actually get posted.

Emotionally overrun…

I try to keep up with current events in the news so I have at least some idea of what’s going on in the world, but it can really take a harsh toll on my mental health. Especially as of late with the rapidly approaching election and the terrifying prospect of a horrific, degenerate psychopath becoming our next president.

Instead…

Things that are good…

1.) We ordered new blinds for all of our windows. (All four of them.) The ones that came with the house were poorly installed and ill-maintained and the one in the living room doesn’t even cover the whole (seven-foot-tall) window. There’s also been nothing on the transom over the front door. Both cause a lot of annoyance sitting in the living room with blinding sunlight in the afternoon/evening. We haven’t installed them yet, but we have given ourselves the deadline of November 29th when Final Fantasy XV [finally] comes out and we’ll be spending a lot more time downstairs. I’m excited to have nice, clean, new blinds on all of our windows.

2.) Related, Final Fantasy XV is finally coming out at the end of November. They’ve been stringing fans along for over a decade at this point. Bob is such a huge FF fan and his excitement over the game is so gaddamn adorable I just want to squeeze him. So I do.

3.) This weekend is Bob’s birthday and I’ve made him a ridiculous cake experiment of cheesecake and lemon bars and I have no idea what it’s going to be like when I cut into it, but we’ll see how it turns out. It certainly won’t taste bad. I rarely bake anything these days unless an occasion calls for it, so why not go all out for my husband’s birthday?

4.) We’ve finally had a good run of hoodie weather and it has been a much needed relief for my bad-addled brain. We had to break down and turn the heat on this weekend, but I’ll take layers of blankets over hotter-than-hades any day.

5.) We saw Andy Grammer and Gavin DeGraw play at Mystic Lake. I have many things to say about it (we’ll see if it ever gets written) but in a nutshell…HOT DAMN they are both so fucking good at what they do. I’ve been waiting four years for AG to play a local show at a decent venue and he was SO worth the wait. And while Gavin DeGraw has been on my musical radar for more than a decade, I’d never given much thought to seeing him live, but damn. He’s good.

Gator came with as my Xanax for the night. He hasn’t been to a show since Red Rocks so it was fitting. And deliberate. Gator loves him some AG.


(Back Home [live] by Andy Grammer)


(Something Worth Saving [live] by Gavin DeGraw)

Lost in a tricky maze…

Anxiety is a weird beast.

Strange things spike it at even stranger times and I find myself jittery and nauseous with shooting pains, all over something completely innocuous.

Fun times.

And by fun, I mean EFF YOOO.

Anyway.

Things that are good…

1.) I fixate a little too much on word counts when it comes to writing, but watching the numbers climb makes me feel accomplished. Especially when the writing is slow going. Even when the project I’m working on is, if we’re being realistic, essentially a clone of another story I’ve already spilled thousands of words on. One of these times I’ll get it right. And I’ll celebrate every time another 10K gets added to the pile.

2.) We’re going to see Lazer Team on the 27th. At a movie theater. For a crowdfunded movie without a powerhouse to fund distribution, that’s a pretty sweet deal. I [heart] all things Rooster Teeth. This is known. (We so rarely actually see movies in the theater, but now we’ll be seeing two in as many months. Who even are we?)

3.) Sister Hazel is releasing a new album February 19th. I am stupidly excited. I love this band so much.

4.) Cisco Ramon is probably my favorite character on The Flash and I would like to cuddle the hell out of him. And then I found out Carlos Valdes sings too. His voice hits all the right triggers in my music obsessed heart.

5.) Flash and Arrow come back in a few weeks. And the new Legends of Tomorrow starts then too. Even with all the superhero camp, I haven’t loved a set of TV characters this much in a very long time.

6.) My top 10 most played artists for 2015 were [once again] a bit singularly O.A.R. focused. And then Matt Nathanson put out a new album. And then I went on a Train kick. And as I sit here listening to Billy Joel sing Shameless, I regret nothing about my listening habits. I will listen to the same song on repeat for hours if I have to. And I often do. Music is as essential to my existence as the air I breathe. (Also writing. And Bob.) Judge me all you want.

 

7.) The rest of our furniture was finally delivered. It’s all smooth and new and smells like wood and stain. As it turns out, a narrow room is really awkward to photograph, so everything looks a bit wonky and more cramped than it actually is. Someday we will paint over that red wall that came with the house. Someday. (Now we need a bigger TV. And a smaller subwoofer. Again…someday.)

Acting crazy like that…

My brain is in a weird place, as it has been for quite some time now. I’ve been trying to write posts and all I get is incoherent drivel or bitchy tirades and I have no desire to post either one. Once upon a time I posted all of that shit (see: pretty much the entirety of my Live Journal) but I don’t depend so heavily on blogging to outlet the horrors running rampant in my head anymore. I now have a husband who forces it out of me on a regular basis so it doesn’t get so pent up until it just explodes all over my corner of the internet. Blogging is still an outlet for frustrations and all that, but it’s not my lifeline anymore. I’d rather post inane rambling and giddy flailing on things that are right in my life. Writing about the good stuff is much more satisfying these days than bitching and moaning about the bad. Bitching and moaning are my specialty, but I’d like to put a little more effort into other things.

That being said…I give you nine things that are currently on my fixation list…

1.) Sleep phones.

Bob bought these for me a few years ago when he saw them on Think Geek. He instantly thought of me and ordered them post haste. The actual headphones are flat so you don’t feel them digging into your ears when you lay on them. It’s just like wearing a regular fleece headband…with a wire sticking out the back. I don’t use them every night, but I’ve been using them more often as of late. I can listen to music to distract my obnoxious asshole of a brain and relax to sleep (eventually) without the headphones inflicting pain on my already defective ears.

2.) Sheep.

Sheep is the Sleep Phones mascot. He is soft and cuddly and has a pocket in his back for holding your Sleep Phones when you’re not using them. Alternatively, he holds my iPod while I’m wearing the headband so it doesn’t get lost in the bed. (Also, he comes in a box with an air hole and a tag that says, “Cuddles Please.” The Sleep Phones kids…they are my people.)

Sheep also wears my Andy Grammer guitar pick when I’m not wearing it. He also enjoys naps and fist-bumps from bears. And I’m pretty sure he moves around when he’s alone because I find him in a lot of interesting positions that I know I did not specifically pose him in. Though sometimes he is in cahoots with a certain Bear we live with…

What?

3.) Writing ridiculous fanfiction.

You heard me. I’ve admitted to writing fanfiction before. It’s fun. Judge me all you want. IDGAF. When the writing slows and becomes a [bigger] struggle, toying around with fanfiction is a good way to get something down on the page and work out the crazy rattling around in my head. None of it can really be classified as a cohesive story. It’s all a series of [mostly] unconnected random conversations that crop up in my over-loaded brain. To be honest, some of my favorite lines I’ve written generally come out of fanfiction ventures. Writing is writing. As long as I’m writing something, I feel like things are right in the world.

4.) New Ryan Star music.

I still want a full length album from him, but I’ll take a five song EP in the interim. Animals is a little more alternative than his last LP, but it’s still very much Ryan Star and it’s some very honest and raw song writing. He is so ridiculously good at what he does and the voice is like a punch in the gut. (See: Deep-rooted emotional attachment to music.)

5.) Darren Criss.

Honestly, I have no idea how I ended up watching that damn Glee video. I have no memory of what I was actually watching on Youtube in the middle of the night when I got distracted by some kid in a private school uniform singing a Katy Perry song, but it escalated quickly. We won’t get into the epic levels of fixation going on over here, but crikey. Darren Criss is quite possibly one of the most adorable little things ever. There is something about the voice on this kid that hits all the right triggers in my music obsessions. (Which kind of sounds way dirtier than it actually is.) Add in the fact that he is snarky and dorky and shameless and tiny and adorable…I just want to smoosh him and pinch his cheeks and muss up his epic hair. Also the eyes (and the eyelashes). They are ri-god-damn-diculous.

Also…

6.) Yurbuds.

My ears do not cooperate with headphones. Regular headphones don’t work with glasses and earbuds don’t fit. They constantly fall out, or hurt like hell, or create too much pressure and suction, or…any number of complaints. I was perusing headphones on…some store website (Target?)…and stumbled upon Yurbuds. After a little research, I found they make earbuds specifically geared for women—as in small ears. The covers come in different sizes and they look like little, stumpy elephant trunks. I found them at Target for about $30 and they are awesome. They don’t hurt, they don’t create suction and pressure, they DON’T FALL OUT WHEN I BREATHE, the sound is good (I’m no pompous ass audiophile), and they come in pretty colors. It was $30 well spent.

7.) Red vs Blue toes.

My toes are almost always painted. Nobody sees them but Bob because I can’t stand to be barefoot (sensory overload to the nth degree), but my toes are pretty much always painted. Have been for years. My goto color scheme as of late has been Red vs Blue. If you have to ask why, you don’t know me at all. I have a couple different reds and blues, but I’m partial to Essie Aruba Blue and Jag-u-are. It’s $8 a bottle but I finally had to concede that the more expensive polish does actually last longer than the cheaper stuff. With a protein base coat and a quick-dry top coat I get a solid week out of the stuff instead of a day or two before it starts to chip. Though I only use base/top coat on my fingers. Polish lasts forever on my toes regardless of brand. Also, it’s so bold and shiny and red and blue.

8.) Green tea.

I never used to like tea. And then Bob started drinking it in the morning before work. So I decided to give it a try. Now I drink it more than he does. We have a few different brands and flavors, but I mostly stick to green tea. I found one that doesn’t taste like smelly dead fish or look like a steaming cup of urine—Good Earth green tea ginseng and citrus. I drink it mostly when I’m up in the middle of the night. It’s kind of a placebo anxiety treatment. It doesn’t actually do anything to douse the anxiety, but I like to pretend.

9.) The bed.

We’ve had our bed for a little over two months now. It hasn’t solved all my sleep problems, but it has alleviated a lot of my sleep related pain. I can lay on my left side without wanting to rip my leg out at the hip after less than five minutes. And when I wake up one of the several dozen times a night, I can shift into a different position and get comfortable again. It also helps that it’s a king-size bed so we can both sprawl and not clobber each other. And there’s not a Grand Canyon-esque sinkhole in the middle of it. It’s a Serta iComfort (Acumen) memory foam mattress. We went with the iComfort over the Tempurpedic because of the “cooling gel” properties. (Also intarweb research rated the former higher than the latter.) Our bedroom stunk like wet paint (or memory foam) for about a week due to “off gassing” but it was only really potent the first day or so. It came with a 120-night trial, but we’re thoroughly satisfied with our purchase.