And again…

I’m never going to be satisfied with any premade template. I’m just not. (Hence the change in theme since last post.) Yeah, some of them look cool and all, and I take inspiration from them here and there when developing my own web layouts, but if it’s not something I built from the ground up with my own little coding fingers…it’s just not my website. And that is why WordPress themes are going to be the death of me. Because simply trying to modify one of the themes I installed just about made my head explode because my attention span is that of a drunk stuffed animal.

Once I get this current doctor’s appointment out of the way, I NEED to get back to the psychiatrist and reevaluate the AD/HD treatment situation—OR COMPLETE LACK THEREOF. If only it was as simple as scheduling another appointment. But no. It involves either changing doctors or changing clinics for said mental health needs and THAT DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR SOMEONE WITH MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS. Also, making decisions is NOT SOMETHING I EXCEL AT.

In the meantime…I sit and stew on this latest pipe dream and hope that somewhere along the line, I’ll make some semblance of progress.

Thus it was…

There is something wholly ironic about completely losing your train of thought in mid-sentence in the middle of writing an essay about being diagnosed with AD/HD. But there I was, typing away, words flying out onto the screen and BAM! Gone. What the hell was I going to write next? Fuckadamnduck. Might as well go do something else, because that ain’t coming back to me any time soon.

This is my brain. Welcome to it.

I’m not too crazy about the premade WordPress template I’ve got going on here right now, but I haven’t taken the time to put together my own stylesheet yet. Hell, I’m not even entirely sure how to do that with WordPress. I’ve never used it before. I’ve always used Blogger for my website pipe dreams. And that was just as simple as plunking a piece of their code into my code and calling it a day. But since Blogger has decided to implode its FTP publishing and whatever the hell else they’re screwing around with over there, I decided to give WordPress a try on this latest pipe dream. I haven’t really taken the time to try to figure out the whole customization of WordPress-on-your-own-server business. I’m sure it can’t be too difficult because there are a lot of bloggers out there who use it and a great majority of them don’t know their head from a hole in the wall when it comes to computers (just judging by the lot of them that have problems with viruses and other computer FUBARS). And when it comes to web design, I don’t need someone else to do it for me, please and thank you.

But while I build the actual site, premade it is. Because this one is BLUE! And we all know how I feel about blue things.

For now, I should probably quit…as I think there are blind spots happening in my vision…which generally means a migraine is threatening arrival. And that just makes me want to start hucking rocks at people.

back-dated 05/02/09: this is me being unproductive…

If I had clue one about what the hell I’m doing when it comes to designing this freaking website, it wouldn’t be so bloody difficult to pick a given blogging client and plunk the code for the various components into my template and be done with it. Problem is, I don’t actually know what the hell I’m doing. I’ve long said I’m really only a wannabe computer geek. I can fake it like the best of them for those with less than adequate knowledge of technology. But for anyone who has a clue, it’s not so easy. Aggravating to say the least.

I honestly don’t know why I’m so bent out of shape over the blog portion of my latest pipe dream. It’s not the end of the world if I can’t get it just perfect. Yet I’ve been obsessing about this one little aspect of the entire site and completely neglecting the rest of it. If I spent half as much time working on the rest of the site as I do whining about the blog portion, all I would have left to finish at this point, would be the damn blog. It’s not going to be entirely complete all at once anyway. The general plan is for an ever-expanding portfolio of my endless supply of babble in all its varied and sundry forms. The stupid blog is only a small part of the plan. When all is said and done, I should finally have a solid venue to compile my oft unseen scribblings that actually…you know…make sense. Novel idea no?

Now that I’ve figured out the issue with the multi-browser whatthefuckery, it’s all a matter of cramming content into templates and uploading pages for the rest of the general population to see. Yet, I’m far too busy being completely fixated on the stupid blog code to be working on that.

I’m hopeless.

back-dated 04/03/09: something, someone, someday…

Someday I will get this blog properly formatted and build the rest of the website around it. I don’t have a clue as to when this elusive “someday” might be, but it would be nice if it was sooner than later. I have my CSS code written. I just need to figure out how to fix it to render properly in browsers other than Firefox.

Bear wants to work with me on writing PHP code for the site itself. Meaning, I’ll tell him what I want it to look like, he’ll write the code. I don’t know the first thing about PHP, so if I’m going to have a website that uses it, it’s not going to be me who codes it. He also says he can create a blogging client that’s completely customizable to my preferences so I won’t even need Blogger or any other licensed platform to use as my base for the actual blog. I don’t know how long it would take him to write the code for the site the way I want it, but we’d have to actually sit down to work on it in order to have some idea of what it will take to get it done. That will be the biggest hurdle right there, methinks.

In the meantime, I should be putting together the rest of the content I plan to have on the site. I have some general ideas of what I actually want, but I haven’t put anything into tangible form yet. My overall plan is to have an all-inclusive portfolio, combining all of my prior website pipe dreams into one complete site. Blogging, writing, music commentary, general geekery, and probably some other topics I’ve always wanted to put into website form and never have and/or let die due to lack of updates and content.

It doesn’t help that I apparently have no attention span for anything anymore. It takes forever to actually get anything done, granted I actually remember to do it. The more stressed I get, the worse the ADD gets, the more stressed I get, the worse the depression and anxiety get, the more stressed I get, the worse everything gets. And I’m one constant ball of stress seeing no progress and only collapse when it comes to the state of my mental health.

I really hope starting from scratch on my meds will actually work for all of this. I have another week of system “wash out” before I start fresh with a new prescription. Here’s hoping once I do start that, the mood will level off, the full-body pain will subside, the vice will vacate my chest and let go of my lungs, and my attention span will return at least to what I was before I started to really get shit-hammered with one metric fuckton of stress after another.

For now, I just attempt to relax enough to get comfortable in bed and fall asleep without the overwhelming urge to smash my head through a brick wall.

back-dated 03/12/09: it’s a catch 22…

I’ve been reading through a lot of old journal entries lately. I have so many journal “projects” around, it’s a wonder I can keep them all straight. What I’ve found out by going back to the archives, is the fact that I am a capable writer. I do have some sliver of talent. I’m by no means best-selling author material, but I don’t suck.

What gets me is most of the “good” stuff I’ve read lately is generally venting on and on about writer’s block and what it’s doing to my projects. I’ve managed to compose pseudo-intelligent commentary on the subject. It’s actually coherent. Which poses the question…why can’t I write like this all the time? Why can’t I write like this in my regular, day-to-day journal. The one people actually read. Instead of sounding like I have a brain in my head it comes out as erratic drivel, spewed forth from a drunk howler monkey. When writing about my life, writing about things I know, it’s crap. When I’m writing something fictional or writing about writing, it’s okay. I don’t understand it. I probably never will.

Reading through the old entries, I thought to myself that the so-called “good” stuff, doesn’t sound like me. There are a lot of tell-tale signs that are signature me, but at the same time it all sounds very foreign. How can this be mine? It’s not total crap.

I’m not in complete denial here. I know I can write. I know I can compose things people would actually want to read. It’s just difficult for me to admit that out loud. I’m a perpetual pessimist. I have a love/hate relationship with my writing. Apparently I love to hate it.

I’ll write something that, at the given moment, sounds pretty good. The next time I pick it up and read through it, I realize it’s total crap. I’ll leave it alone for awhile…days, months, even years…and when I pick it up and reread it, I realize, it’s not really that bad. Some of it is actually good. Granted this doesn’t happen very often, but when it does, it reminds me that I don’t completely suck as a writer.

When I throw caution to the wind and just write, there’s no problem. The words get put down on the page and each time I read through it, I start to like it more and more. It’s just that it is very difficult for me to just sit down and write. I can rarely muster the attention span to fully concentrate on what I’m trying to do. There is so much noise in my head, it just comes out garbled and useless. But when I can just write…I enjoy every last minute of it. And I remember exactly why I want to be a writer.

I try to remind myself of this when I start to lose sight of what I really want to accomplish. Sometimes there’s just too much fog to see it clearly and it’s easy to just shove it aside and forget about it until the fog eventually clears.

There’s been a lot of fog for quite some time now. I’m trying to fumble my way through it, slowly but surely. I’m just not so sure how far it is until the haze disappears.