Last night I got three hours of sleep. It was broken into 1-hour segments, interrupted by really bizarre dreams. I can’t remember what the first two were, but I remember feeling somewhat disturbed while trying to get back to sleep. The third dream, however, stuck because when I woke up from that one, my brain was all, “Fuck this, I’m not going back to sleep again.” So I got out of bed and had sufficient time to sit and stare at a bright computer screen in a dark room wondering if it really is time to lay off the sauce.<\/p>\n
I was in some basement hanging out with Andy Grammer (because obviously<\/i>) and he had a pet platypus that he treated like a dog (because—wait—what<\/i>?). I don’t remember if it had a name, but it was about the size of a lab and it decided it wanted to sniff my face. It stood up on its hind quarters (can a platypus even do that?) and tried to poke me in the face with its bill. Taking into account that I<\/b> am really effing short<\/i>, this thing was almost as tall as I am.<\/p>\n
Meanwhile, Mr. Grammer (distracted by his collecting of stuffed musical instruments from an arcade crane machine) was all, “Oh he’s just sniffing you out. He won’t bite.”<\/p>\n
And I’m all, “This thing is fucking huge<\/i>! And it’s not a dog<\/i>! Also, I’m not worried about him biting<\/i> me, I’m worried about the venomous claw<\/i> on his back foot!”<\/p>\n
The platypus nudged me in the chin with his bill and his owner<\/i> just gave me a blinky-blinky blank stare.<\/p>\n
And my next thought was, “Pretty face, nothing upstairs.”<\/p>\n
When I woke up from that<\/i>…I just conceded defeat and got out of bed.<\/p>\n
Because how can you compete with Andy Grammer and a pet platypus?<\/p>\n
And it might be a good idea to stop sniffing glue before bed, because there is really no other explanation for shit like this.<\/p>\n
—<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Last night I got three hours of sleep. It was broken into 1-hour segments, interrupted by really bizarre dreams. I can’t remember what the first two were, but I remember feeling somewhat disturbed while trying to get back to sleep. The third dream, however, stuck because when I woke up from that one, my brain was all, “Fuck this, I’m not going back to sleep again.” So I got out of bed and had sufficient… Keep reading…What kind of noise does a platypus make anyway?<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"fifu_image_url":"","fifu_image_alt":"","iawp_total_views":1,"footnotes":""},"categories":[22,133,134,111,6,24],"tags":[225],"class_list":["post-1823","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-bzuh","category-dreams-nobody-cares-about","category-music-andy-grammer","category-some-things-are-only-funny-to-me","category-this-is-my-brain-and-welcome-to-it","category-wait-what","tag-225","content-layout-excerpt-thumb"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1823","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1823"}],"version-history":[{"count":6,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1823\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6748,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1823\/revisions\/6748"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1823"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1823"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.getalifebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1823"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}