After being diagnosed with ADHD, so many things from my past made so much more sense. Off hand, I can’t really pinpoint specific instances, but a lot of things just make sense to me that I never understood about myself. Why I handled things the way I did in school and at work. Why I struggled with certain aspects of my daily life that never made any sense in my head. That diagnosis brought me a lot of clarity.
On the other hand…I am still without an effective treatment and I am struggling more than ever. The more stressed out I get, the worse my symptoms get. The worse my symptoms get, the more stressed out I get. It’s a vicious cycle and my mind, for lack of a better word, is mush. Complete mush.
I can’t concentrate on anything. I have no attention span. Sure it may look like I’m paying attention to that movie (and believe me, I’m trying) but in truth, in my head, I’m screaming. And as much as I love being snuggled up next to Bob (oh I LOVE IT), I’m dying to get up and move. I want to go read my blog feed, or my Twitter stream. I want to check my email. I want to go stand in the closet and stare at the shelves. I discovered a rogue eyebrow hair that I just have to pluck. I’m supposed to be sorting laundry, but I forget I’m supposed to be doing that thirty seconds after I think about doing it. I should clean the bathroom, but as soon as I walk out of the room, I forget about that too. The bedroom is a complete disaster, but I can’t get that done. I can’t focus on any one thing for more than a few minutes if I’m lucky. Sure I can sit down and play a video game, but the entire time my mind is spinning on everything else I should be doing instead and what is wrong with me that I can’t get any of this crap done ever? It takes me a good hour or more to write these blog posts because I’m constantly switching out to other websites to look up other stuff I randomly think about or just because I lose my train of thought entirely. The most I accomplish is making the bed everyday, and that’s only because I can’t stand to get into bed with tangled blankets and that has everything to do with my hypersensitivity issues—a symptom of ADHD.
I feel like I’m in an okay place as far as treatment of my depression and anxiety right now, but the more frustrated and stressed I get with each failed prescription and lack of progress with the treatment of my ADHD, the more worried I get that I’m going to start regressing with everything else. Regression is my biggest fear.
I can’t function enough to complete the simplest of household tasks. How can I ever hope to hold a job again? I got fired from my last job because of my mental health. (Though if you ask them I don’t have mental health problems, I’m just a lazy ass who makes mistakes on purpose to get out of doing work. I wasn’t “enthusiastic enough to be [there].” I fucking hate Mark. But that’s a tirade for another day.)
If I was smart, I’d make an appointment and get back to seeing my therapist on a regular basis again. I haven’t seen him since last summer. I quit going when I lost my health insurance and couldn’t afford it, then he left Park Nicollet, and now I just keep forgetting to make an appointment with him at his new practice. I would benefit so much going to regular therapy appointments again.
I just need to fucking remember to make a gaddamn appointment. I can’t even do that right.
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Back Again Parachute |