Do you ever get the feeling that someone you know is expecting you to volunteer to do something for them? There is something that they’re lacking and because you supposedly “have the time” you should just up and volunteer to do it for them, without them actually asking you for it. But because actually asking you might not yield their desired results, they go about it in other ways.
They drop subtle hints, make thinly veiled comments, and shoot pointed looks in your direction during specific conversations so much to the point where you want to just stand up and scream, “WHY DON’T YOU JUST FUCKING ASK ME INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR ME TO OUTRIGHT VOLUNTEER, ASSHOLE?” (Or maybe that’s just what I want to say.) But they never actually come out and say what they want. They just keep up the “woe is me” lamenting over their predicament.
I am an incredibly nice person. Despite my outwardly bitchy and ornery demeanor on the internet (and I suppose sometimes in real life—but that’s what the Topamax is for) I am one of the nicest people you will ever meet. More often than not, it gets me nothing but used. It always has. But despite being a perpetual doormat—I am still nice. It’s ingrained in my brain.
I do currently have a lot of time on my hands. I’ve been unemployed for [almost] three years. I spend the majority of my time sitting around the cave not doing much at all. I do technically “have the time.” But there are things I just can’t do for people. Things I won’t do. And even more so if they don’t have the balls to just ask me for them. Asking for things isn’t easy—I KNOW THAT. But the not-so-subtle subtle approach—is just fucking obnoxious.
Like passive aggressive rants on the internet.
Thing is—I haven’t been out of a job all this time just for lack of motivation—that is partially true, to be honest (The Toxic Shit Hole™ did enough damage to make me never want to set foot in another place of employment ever again)—I have plenty of motivation (I feel completely worthless and I have so much unpaid, untouched debt staring me in the face I’m just waiting for the day another judgment shows up on my doorstep), but more than anything it’s been because I am not ready to go back to work. I am not mentally healthy enough to hold down a job right now. Most days I can barely make the simplest of decisions without having a complete mental collapse. I’m lucky I get out of bed at all by the time Bob gets home from work. I might be awake all day from the time Bob leaves in the morning, but I generally spend the majority of the day firmly rooted in the security of my blankets and pillows, pining for those handfuls of days when things have been just a little bit easier to deal with.
It might not be obvious to anyone else, but I AM WORKING ON IT.
I am taking my own steps to get things right. It’s slow going and by no means easy, but I’m WORKING ON IT.
So no—to correct your assumption—I don’t actually have the time to solve your predicament.
I have plenty of my own shit to deal with, please and thank you.
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