I should be sleeping. I was tired when I got into bed. I didn’t stay because my mind is flailing and I have an unexplained pit of anxiety wreaking havoc on my stomach. This is decidedly unawesome.
#…I am listening to Ingram Hill. Because this is what I need to listen to when the anxiety gets overwhelming. I can’t explain what it is about this band, but their music has played a pivotal role in my sanity for almost ten years.
#…This was the quietest Super Bowl Sunday I’ve had in four years. Living with football fanatics made for three years of loud (though generally quite amusing) football Sundays. I have no idea what time the game was on, who was playing, or who won. I happen to like it that way.
#…Saturday we went to Mom and Dad’s for Hunter’s birthday. My baby Hunter is fourteen. He starts high school next year. He is officially taller than me. (Yes, I know that doesn’t take much.) He’s almost as tall as my mom. (Also, not tall, but still.) I feel so very old.
#…Grandma moved in with Mom & Dad mid-January. She seems to be doing well adjusting. She eats, she sleeps, and she crochets. But it has become increasingly more apparent that her mind is slipping. There are days that she doesn’t seem to know who people are. Saturday morning, my aunt and uncle stopped by my parents’ house to drop off Grandma’s medications and visit. Grandma said to my aunt, “I haven’t seen Betty in weeks. I was supposed to move in with her.” She doesn’t always know who my mom is when she sees her. Saturday when we were all there, she asked a few times who some people were, but she seemed to know who I was. Unless she thought I was someone else. Which is very possible. It’s difficult to wrap my mind around, but she’s 95 years old. She’s doing well for her age, but it’s a harsh slap of reality to know things are changing.
#…I’ve been working on a post for a few weeks now that is proving to be a lot more difficult than I anticipated. I knew it wasn’t going to be easy. Writing about my mental health is never easy. But I’m struggling with it for a number of reasons. And it’s turning out to be a lot more tirade-y than I expected it would. But it’s something I need to say. So I’m going to go with it and see how it all turns out. I have a self-imposed deadline of when I want to have it written. I still have plenty of time to get it right. Or as right as it’s going to get.
#…I’ve been writing everyday. Some days are more productive than others. Things are taking shape, despite still having problem areas. I write, I read, I reread, I edit, edit, and write. There are parts that I really like. There are others that I think are utter crap. But I’m writing. Every day. And it feels so right.
#…We’ve been playing a lot of Star Wars. Though Bob has been playing considerably more than I have because…I’ve been writing. We joined a guild on the referral of one of Bob’s friends from work who also plays. I’ve opted not to join the raiding group—too much stress for a video game. But Bob is on one of the raid teams and he’s been having a lot of fun with it. It’s a casual “friends and family” guild that likes to raid. They’re not hardcore raiders like some people so it works out well for us. They have raids three nights a week and while Bob is running around the galaxy defeating threats to The Empire, I sit next to him tapping out pages of text, and keep an eye on his game for my own amusement.
#…Geek Love is the best love. If you have the chance, try it out.
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Will I Ever Make it Home Ingram Hill |